Moth

Today I went to the fairgrounds to drop off my entries in the "homemaking" building...At the registration table was a man who was in charge of this high school leadership program I was in about four years ago. I was pretty surprised when he remembered my name, since I was quieter and more painfully shy then than I am now..I was wishing I had straightened my hair..and put on some make-up..and could think of something to say..Then this other woman came in and he started talking to her (these chamber of commerce types know everyone, huh?)..She was pregnant and had a bag with jars of jelly or jam or something that she was going to enter..And I was suddenly really jealous. I had this inexplicable urge to be about ten years older and all cute and preggers, with jars of jam and adorable maternity clothes..not all lumpy-ponytail awkward college girl.

Usually, I try not to care what people think about me. And I try to be content with where I am right now, and not wish away the present dreaming about what may or may not happen. I tell myself that I may never get married or have kids, and that's okay, I'm okay with that (having teenage siblings at home makes me okay with that), but sometimes, there's nothing I want more. Sometimes I forget that God has the best in store for me, and his timing is always perfect.

I also have this habit of thinking that people don't notice me or know who I am. College has made this much more pronounced than it used to be, I think. Sometimes I feel invisible. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, I actually like it most of the time. I like passing under the radar, I don't want to draw attention to myself. I'm basically a jeans and t-shirt girl anyway. I've been known to hide from/avoid talking to people I know in the Wal-mart (I get this from my mother--we do this shamelessly and frequently)..

I am very happy not being in the spotlight. I can't tell if I'm getting quieter as I get older or not. I think that maybe I am. I just wanted to get this out there. Sometimes you just need to talk, ya know? I don't care if anybody reads it or not. It really is what I feel, though, and sometimes it's easier to put it out there on the internet for everybody (or nobody) to read than it is to talk about it with the people you know.